Healthy Aging and Marriage

By Max Vogt

Aging is a fact of life; nothing that we do or say can really change this fact. As we all get older, our health is going to change as well; hopefully good health stays with our families and loved ones as long as possible, but sometimes we just aren't that lucky, and fate deals us a different hand than we expected. What exactly are we supposed to do? How should we deal with it?

Some people deal with aging better than others. Are you someone who wants to age gracefully or are you going to put up a fight? Is having your first grey hair or losing your last hair on your head the end of the world or is it going to be a day that you remember for the rest of your life?

If you have a spouse or long-term partner, you may notice that they are growing older. We often don't notice that we are getting older ourselves. In your partner you might see it on the number of hairs in his comb; the number of pairs of pants that she can't get into; or the new wrinkle that she had whenever she smiles is now on her face all the time now, even when she isn't smiling.

I have one client who is having a disagreement on what they think is the best way to age. Take a look at their story, and tell me what you think.

Bob and Kelly
Bob and Kelly have been married for more years than Kelly would admit it. In fact, if you subtracted the years that they were married from how old Kelly claims she is, she and Bob would have gotten married when Kelly was only 12. Kelly goes to the spa every week, won't step outside the door without a hat for fear of wrinkles and wants to get cosmetic surgery to make her face and body look even younger.

Bob says that she loves Kelly for the way that she is, and that she doesn't want her to change the way she looks too drastically, especially with something that has risks involved with it and could possibly be dangerous.

What do you think about this? Have you or your friends had an experience like this, where one person in the couple wants to stay young, while the other wants to just let nature take your course? This may not just include getting plastic surgery done or spa days, but can include getting a toupee, buying a fast sports car on your 50th birthday, dating a much younger man (or woman), or just trying to hang out more with your adult children and their friends.

If you are worried about the way that you are aging, one thing that might help is the Intimacy Paradox. This paradox is something that I've been sharing with my private clients for years. The principle is pretty easy to understand, and says that if you want to have a great marriage, you need to accept yourself 100% and you need to accept your partner 100% for who they are right now. If you plan on changing yourself or your partner when you (or they) don't want to, you will end up having resentment in your relationship.

Do you think that the Intimacy Paradox would work in Bob and Kelly's relationship? Would it work in yours? 100% acceptance of yourself and your partner may seem like it is difficult to do; what do you think that the most difficult thing to accept about your partner is going to be? Is there something that you don't think that you could accept about your partner?

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